I stayed close to my pillow to catch the fall of heavy eyelids. I thought deeply as I rested my bones. Most of my thoughts were of the somber nature. I did in my search of self-feeling find something out about myself. C.S. Lewis in "Mere Christianity" talks about man and his role and his correct disposition. As Christians we are called to be salt to this earth and a light to the world. In fact our lives should reflect and therefore replicate the life of Christ. This is not a happening that comes over night or a special, particular, no corner cutting prayer. It is not something that you purchase with the wealth of tears. It is the deposit of the Savior of souls. And after we have that deposit sin is still so present. Sin is still available and near. Oh the way of the Christian! Then we are tempted even more so and tried. Through this can character and a life be built if we persevere. God being present and alive in our souls will lessen the darkness that is in us. And in the end we will be perfected.
When we accept His call we change in a most God way. God way... What I mean is this, it is unexplainable and profound. It is not a doing of human hands but of the one true God and Father of our lives. So we know there is a change in us. How are we to be a light in the darkness and salt to this tasteless life? We are given a command by Jesus in the New Testament. Jesus said "Love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your strength. The second is equally important. Love your neighbor as yourself." Love! Love is this. "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always, always hopes, always perseveres." 1 Corinthians 13:4-7
Jesus said, "Love your neighbor as yourself." This is where my discovery was made. First I will present a question before I go on. How can you love your neighbor with this extravagant love if you do not first love yourself? From "The Life of the Beloved" Henri J.M. Nouwen says this, "When our deepest truth is that we are the Beloved (Chosen, blessed, broken and given) and when our greatest joy and peace comes from fully claiming that truth, it follows that this is to be become visible and tangible in the way we eat, drink, talk and love, play and work" This is knowing we are the Beloved and claiming its power and humbly accepting its gift.
To my Father these words I spoke, "I do not love myself." I am therefore not capable of loving the sheep of His pasture. I should rephrase, I do not love myself as I ought. There are more times I am mad at myself for my behavior or the lack there of a good one. And more times where I am trying to earn peace and love. I walk those sorrowful paths, and more so than those where I am claiming the love my Father freely gives. It is working hard to say that I am of meaning and have a purpose. A purpose that grips the love I so desperately need and desire. In the end I find myself asleep in His light and still searching in dark dreams for His heart (my purpose). My heart desires to be and do anything great that He allows me to. This is true! But I haven't known, truly known His love. I have not been able to truly love Him, who loves me, and gives me the power to love other's.
I am convinced that this is a story many can relate to. My request of the Lord is that I would be picked up by His hands and brought to his heart. In the shadow of His wings am I in my place of purpose. only in the lifetime when I truly know His love can I love myself. And only then will I be able to love other's. Not the love like the world gives and portrays. His extravagant, deep, wide, bountiful, filling and purposeful love.
He freely give to all who ask. "When you seek me you will find me, when you seek me with all your heart." I pray that you will find His love for you. Israel Houghton says this, "I will search for you and I will find you. I will find you with all my heart." Rest in Him. Let His love break you and give you intimate comfort.
Your journey starts there, in the knowledge that you are the beloved. Purpose is yours! This is life! This is God! Grace and peace be yours today and in the days to come.
Sarah Jane
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Your relations with your own self are the most frustrating relations you can ever have. If one could achieve a state where they are not concieted but not plagued by self-doubt. We can either be full of ourselves or hate ourselves. The happy medium can only be gained by divine intervention. And why would we try it any other way.
ReplyDeleteI think in loving ourseles we need to be so far removed from our selves (pride-wise anyhow) that we look at ourselves with love almost as another person. Like Christ was a prime example of humility. Always shooing credit away from himself. Not even would he allow others to call him "good teacher" claiming only God was good. BUT God was also Christ, so He could be humble and love himself (God).
Wow this is a good blog!
It's just an all around inhibition of self situation.
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